


Flash Forward

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [60]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-16 23:32:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12352800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: “I know,” Helen says. “I just wanna make sure he’s…he’s alright.”“It’s not a race,” Philip says, sighing. “We don’t have another commitment for a while so he can just like…get over it. Adjust, etc, you know. But he wants to get back into it in his own time and the vacation was his idea. We wanted to do something for our anniversary and everything like…managed to line up, I guess, timewise.”Philip doesn’t really like to talk about this. But he knows Helen is worried, territorial over the both of them. He gets it.“But he’s not shaky anymore?”“It was just an accident,” Philip says, telling himself as much as her. “Happens all the time in his profession. It’s fine, he’s—he’s good, he’s just taking some time and it’s our anniversary and as soon as we get a week or so into the New Year we’re gonna talk to the sponsors and book some new circuits and he’ll be great.” He sounds fake. He sounds like he’s lying to her even though he and Lukas have had this exact conversation almost verbatim.(For the Eyewitness anniversary, take a look into the future, at Philip and Lukas one year after they've gotten married in my college verse.)





	Flash Forward

December 15th 2023

Philip sits on the couch and watches Izzy and Samson race around the apartment, the toy of choice a pink flamingo that’s missing one leg. Samson has it currently and he whips it around, glancing back to make sure Izzy is still following him.

“This is really soon, Philip.”

“We’ve been planning it for a bit now,” Philp says. “We’re all ready, got everything together.”

“Are you sure?” Helen says into Philip’s ear, the phone already creating an unwelcome pulse on the side of his face. “No Christmas?”

Philip snorts. “I mean, we’re not cancelling Christmas. We’re just going away for it. And our anniversary.” Philip still thinks it’s weird that their anniversary date changed when they got married. But it wasn’t like they could really put a date on it to begin with, considering their origins. Before they got married they usually just celebrated on a random day in August, Lukas muttering _I probably kissed you on this day anyway._ The wedding made things a lot easier, a lot more concrete.

“I should have known having a damn December date would have taken you two away from us at some point.”

Philip smiles a little bit, glancing up at the open bedroom. He can see the light shining from the crack underneath the bathroom door, and he thinks this is probably one of the longer baths Lukas has taken lately. “Doing it in December was Lukas’s idea, you know that.” It was hard enough to gather the few people they wanted at their wedding, and even though it’s been a year it still gives Philip anxiety to think about how difficult it was to get it all together. They’d planned on things being simple, but it’s rare _simple_ goes along with _Philip and Lukas._

“He just wanted it to be close to his birthday.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. “No.”

“Well, where are you guys going?” Helen asks, as Izzy yanks the flamingo away from Samson and rushes into the kitchen. Philip hears them knock into their food bowls and sighs to himself. “I’m surprised you waited this long to tell me. I had a feeling.”

“We want to take a road trip to Colorado,” Philip says, shaking his head a little bit. It’s something they’ve wanted to do for a long time and Philip has definitely discussed it with Helen before. He smiles at the idea. He knows it’s gonna be fun. They need something like this.

“Leaving the dogs with Angela or you want us to come up?”

“Angela’s got it,” Philip says. They hate leaving the dogs at all, especially since Samson is a lot clingier than Izzy is, but Philip knows they’ll be okay with Angela and the hoard for a little while. They’ve brought them along to some of the circuit races, but it’s such a pain in the ass to find hotels that allow them and hotels they won’t absolutely destroy while Philip and Lukas are out. “Though you could come visit them if you want to while we’re gone. They always miss their grandparents.”

“Even though they like Sarah way more than they like me,” Helen says.

Philip rolls his eyes. “Don’t start with that.”

Helen laughs a little bit and that’s how he knows she’s only kidding. This time. But if Samson ever goes to Sarah’s treat first again Philip is sure he’s gonna hear about it.

“Hey,” Helen says. “You sure Lukas is alright to go on a big trip after everything?”

Philip chews on his lower lip. “Of course,” he says. “He’s fine.” He looks up at the bedroom door out of instinct. 

“He’ll be driving?”

“We’re not taking the bike, obviously,” Philip says, his ears going a little hot. “We’re gonna rent a car.”

“I know,” Helen says. “I just wanna make sure he’s…he’s alright.”

“It’s not a race,” Philip says, sighing. “We don’t have another commitment for a while so he can just like…get over it. Adjust, etc, you know. But he wants to get back into it in his own time and the vacation was his idea. We wanted to do something for our anniversary and everything like…managed to line up, I guess, timewise.”

Philip doesn’t really like to talk about this. But he knows Helen is worried, territorial over the both of them. He gets it. 

“But he’s not shaky anymore?”

“It was just an accident,” Philip says, telling himself as much as her. “Happens all the time in his profession. It’s fine, he’s—he’s good, he’s just taking some time and it’s our anniversary and as soon as we get a week or so into the New Year we’re gonna talk to the sponsors and book some new circuits and he’ll be great.” He sounds fake. He sounds like he’s lying to her even though he and Lukas have had this exact conversation almost verbatim. 

“Okay,” Helen says. “It’s a good idea.”

Philip narrows his eyes a little bit. “Yeah? We were a little worried about telling you.”

“Only thing I would rather is that you told me earlier than two days before you’re planning on leaving,” she says.

Philip laughs a little bit. “Noted.”

“But yeah, I do—I do think it’s a good idea.”

“We’re gonna switch back and forth with the driving,” Philip says. 

“You’re better on the highways?” Helen asks.

Samson trips over a hamburger toy that looks like it was deliberately left there by Izzy and she races over to him, yanking the flamingo away. They rush into the corner by the door, both growling.

“Yeah,” Philip says.

“Okay, I’ll let you go,” Helen says. “You’re getting that tone.”

Philip scoffs. “I have no tone.”

“Mmmhm.”

“No tone!”

“Love you, kid,” Helen says. 

“Love you too,” Philip says. “We’ll keep you updated.”

“You do that!”

Philip hangs up after a couple more prolonged goodbyes and gives the dogs some treats, taking the flamingo and putting it up on the counter. He walks into the bathroom and sees Lukas sinking down in the tub, his neck arched back and his eyes closed.

It’s been two months and the scar is finally settling into what it’ll probably look like for the rest of Lukas’s life. Not so angry and red anymore, and if Philip doesn’t concentrate on it, doesn’t focus on it, it doesn’t draw as much attention as it used to. It crawls out from under his hairline and weaves jagged to his cheekbone, and when Philip sits down beside the tub he presses his lips to the middle of it, letting them linger.

Lukas hums a little bit, sitting up and leaning into him. Philip sits back and kisses Lukas’s shoulder, and sees his wedding ring catch the light. It’s been almost a year but seeing their rings still makes something dip in Philip’s stomach. He rests his chin on the edge of the tub and runs his hand through Lukas’s hair. 

“They still fighting over the flamingo?” Lukas asks.

“World War three,” Philip says, laughing. 

“You put it up on the counter?” Lukas asks, a small smile on his face.

“Bet they’re both gazing up at it right now,” Philip says. “I don’t get what the hell it is with that thing. They have eight hundred toys and that’s always the one that causes such shit.”

Lukas chuckles, leaning back into Philip’s hand. He always seems to be chasing after him when he’s near, leaning into his space, seeking out his skin. Philip loves it, but it worries him too. 

“You doing alright in here?” Philip asks.

“I’m okay,” Lukas says. “I’m gonna get out in a minute.”

“No rush,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s shoulder again. “Just wanted to see if you wanted bubbles or that pink poof sponge that we pretend we don’t have.”

“I have no idea what you’re referring to,” Lukas says, holding his chin high. 

Philip grins, kissing Lukas’s elbow. 

“Helen mad about Christmas?” Lukas asks.

Philip plays with Lukas’s fingers, smoothing over his knuckles. “In her usual way, I guess. Lots of questions. We should probably go there for like a week with the dogs when we get back.” _Before we look for more races_ Philip doesn’t say.

“Yeah we should,” Lukas says. He pops one eye open and shifts a little bit, taking Philip’s hand and bringing it to his mouth, kissing Philip’s fingers. “But she’s fine with the road trip?”

“I mean she has to be, we’re doing it,” Philip says. 

“Right,” Lukas says. He turns Philip’s hand over and kisses his palm. “You’re excited right?”

Philip likes the soft smile on his face. “You know I can’t wait.”

~

December 17th 

Philip grips the steering wheel so tight his knuckles go white. He stares at the road in front of him—they aren’t very far from home yet, not even out of New York, but he still feels like he’s embarking on something massive. They’re gonna stop in Pennsylvania once it gets dark, and Philip tries not to be too annoyed that they’re spending Lukas’s entire birthday on the road.

“Shit,” Lukas says, from the seat beside him.

“What?” Philip asks, his heart speeding up a little bit as he quickly tries to glance at Lukas out of the corner of his eye.

“I forgot my toothbrush.”

Philip scoffs, smiling. “I packed it.”

“You did?” Lukas asks, incredulous.

“Of course,” Philip says. “I also packed your little travel-sized Advil and the blanket you like to use in hotels.”

Lukas reaches over and rubs Philip’s shoulder, leaning over the console. “You are just…the best. My favorite.”

“I know,” Philip says, his chest going a little warm despite how often he hears those words. “You gonna get all weird about the car again?”

Lukas laughs, squeezing his shoulder. “I don’t know how keeping it clean translates to weird in Philip language.”

“I just don’t want a full blown freakout if you find a crumb on the floor.”

“A crumb,” Lukas scoffs, still rubbing Philip’s shoulder, his fingers creeping up to brush over Philip’s neck. “A single crumb, sure.”

Philip wants to look at him but he can’t take his eyes off the road and the dangerous looking red car a little bit ahead of them. But he knows Lukas is probably pursing his lips, suppressing a smile. 

“I want to return the rental car _clean_ , Philip,” Lukas says. 

“Then stop buying cheese puffs as the car snack, baby,” Philip says.

Lukas’s hand stops moving, frozen on Philip’s shoulder. “I totally snuck those in,” he says. “How the hell did you see that?”

Philip scoffs, switching lanes. “I didn’t. As if you would make any kind of trip without your cheese puffs. You’re addicted.”

Lukas clicks his tongue, dragging his hand through Philip’s hair briefly before pulling his hand away. “Could be a lot worse.”

“Yes,” Philip says. “Could be pork rinds. A dark time.”

“A truly dark time,” Lukas says, and Philip hears their phones buzzing. Lukas reaches into the cup holder and grabs his own, laughing a little bit. “Oh my God. They’re all fighting over the flamingo. All of them.”

Philip laughs, shaking his head. “Jesus. We need to get ten more of those.”

“Yeah, then they probably won’t even care.”

~

“Twenty four cupcakes,” Philip says, pushing his way back into their little room in the bed and breakfast they’re staying in.

Lukas is sitting on the edge of the bed, and Philip figures he’d been sitting there from the moment he left. It’d been hard to convince him to stay here and wait, but Philip at least wanted the cupcakes to be a surprise. He’d planned out the trip from the bed and breakfast to the bakery a while back, and he wasn’t too worried about accomplishing his goal.

Lukas’s face lights up and he gets to his feet, walking over to the little table where Philip puts the box down. “I knew you were out doing something cute.”

Philip shrugs, opening the box and putting the smaller one aside. 

Lukas leans in and kisses his temple, rubbing his back. Philip feels like he’s constantly trying to be aware of any waver in Lukas’s hands. He remembers that afternoon so clearly.

_Lukas’s hands were shaking so hard and Philip couldn’t get them to stop. They were both kneeling in the dirt and the sounds of engines were still roaring all around them. Other people were coming, racing towards them._

_“There’s blood in my eye,” Lukas whispered, his voice so soft and dripping with panic. “There’s blood in my eye, there’s blood in my eye.”_

_Philip squeezed his hands. They were trembling and trembling and he couldn’t get them to stop._

Lukas kisses the corner of his mouth. “Hey,” he whispers. 

“Sorry,” Philip says, clearing his throat and hating how obvious he is when he falls into his memories. He leans back into the warmth of Lukas’s palm. 

“You okay?” Lukas asks, a phrase that Philip has been constantly sending Lukas’s way since that day. 

“Yeah, of course,” Philip says. 

“What’s the smaller box?” Lukas asks, already reaching out to peel up the top.

“Uh, a strawberry cream macaroon for your…one to grow on,” Philip says, grinning. 

Lukas laughs, such beautiful joy in it. Philip looks up at him and Lukas immediately brings their mouths together, laughing against his lips.

~

December 18th 

The aquarium lights adore Lukas. He glows in blues and greens, like a star draped under a sea of night. He keeps pointing out the flashier fish and tugging Philip forward by the hand, pressing himself to the glass like the little first graders are doing across from them.

Philip likes seeing him like this. Carefree, enraptured by something simple and sweet, something safe. 

“Look at that one,” Lukas says, his finger following an orange and white fish as it weaves through the tank. “Looks like Nemo.”

“Good job,” Philip says, grinning.

Lukas scoffs, nudging him a little bit.

“I like your tattoos,” a small voice says. 

Philip looks down and sees a little girl in a blue dress standing on the ledge closest to the tank. She’s facing them, a small smile on her face as she stares down at their hands. 

“Thank you!” Lukas says, grinning at her.

“Are those your names?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “I’m Philip and he’s Lukas.”

“My dad has tattoos,” she says. “He took my mom’s name off his shoulder and now he has Jessica’s name in the same spot.”

Philip tries not to splutter and Lukas coughs a little bit, his hand coming up close to his throat.

~

December 19th 

They don’t stop in Indiana until about three in the morning, Lukas attempting to drive as long as he can before he gets tired. They aren’t in any kind of rush, felt like they’d stop when they wanted to stop and go slow when they wanted to go slow, but Philip thinks Lukas is probably half putting on a show for the two of them, driving for so long. Philip wishes that he wouldn’t, but he keeps a close eye on him and makes sure he doesn’t push it too far.

They’re laying on the bed in the Holiday Inn, Philip’s laptop sitting on their laps. Angela is in the skype window laughing so hard she’s wheezing. Samson is so close to the camera that he’s nearly eclipsing everything else. 

“I don’t even know why we attempt this,” Lukas says, shaking his head. 

“She never gets it,” Angela says, laughing and looking back at where Izzy is sitting. She’s got her head cocked, her ears perking up whenever Philip or Lukas say anything, but she’s pointed in the complete wrong direction.

“Samson is—”

“Don’t say Samson is smarter,” Lukas says, cutting Philip off. 

Philip laughs, shaking his head. “Okay, Angela, we all need to go to bed, it’s ridiculously late.”

“As if anyone sleeps around here,” Angela scoffs, watching as Taffy gallops by, the pink flamingo in her mouth. Both Samson and Izzy chase after her, completely forgoing the skype call, and Lukas sighs. “Don’t worry,” Angela says. “They cry for you every night.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Lukas says.

“Goodnight lovebirds!” Angela singsongs, grinning at them.

“Goodnight!” they both say back, and Philip clicks to end the call. He quickly closes his laptop and puts it on the bedside table, turning in and snuggling up to Lukas. 

“Sleep now,” Philip mutters, that heavy feeling already overcoming him.

“You didn’t brush your teeth,” Lukas says, rubbing Philip’s shoulder. 

“Don’t care.”

“You’re gonna regret it later, you know that.”

“I know,” Philip laughs, tugging the blanket up over himself with his toes. He fails spectacularly and Lukas clicks his tongue, reaching down and pulling the blanket over Philip’s body.

“I’ll plug your phone in for you babycakes, don’t even worry about it,” Lukas says. 

“So helpful,” Philip says, groaning a little bit when Lukas disentangles himself to reach over and plug their phones in on Philip’s side of the bed. When he comes back Philip tugs him down, both of them getting more relaxed, facing each other on their sides.

“You know, I try,” Lukas says, pressing a soft kiss to Philip’s mouth.

~

There’s a long stretch of road in Indiana that lulls Philip to sleep. He hates doing that to Lukas, wants to stay awake and keep him company, but it’s gray and rainy outside and the 80’s station Lukas found about an hour ago keeps going in and out. 

He feels Lukas reach over and brush some of the hair out of his eyes, and Philip hums a little bit, trying to keep his eyes open. 

“Sleep, baby,” Lukas whispers. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Philip says, in a hushed tone. It’s raining and the road could be dangerous. Philip should be paying attention, should be focusing for Lukas’s sake. He clears his throat and sits up a little bit, twisting his wedding ring on his finger. “’m awake.”

Lukas reaches down and grabs Philip’s jacket from the floor, balling it up and putting it on the console between them. “Sleep, Philip,” Lukas says, brushing his knuckles along Philip’s cheekbone for a minute before putting his hand back on the wheel. “I’m okay, promise. If I’m not I’ll wake you up.”

Philip looks over at him from under heavy eyelids. He’s annoyed he’s this tired, but he should have expected it. The hotel was right next to the highway, which was a damn mistake, but Lukas tried to look all innocent when Philip brought up the fact that he was the one who booked it. “Sure?” Philip asks. 

“Course,” Lukas says. “If I need anything I’ll wake you and if I don’t I’ll wake you when we stop for food.”

Philip shifts a little bit, nodding, laying his head on the jacket. He feels Lukas run his hand through his hair briefly and Philip sighs, already drifting off.

_Ryan Kane shoots Lukas off his bike, and Philip runs, sprints, waves away fog that seems to gather all around him as he moves, like it’s trying to keep him from reaching Lukas. The ground is uneven and it trembles under his feet. Everything trembles, shakes, the tremors running up his body and making a home in his hands._

_He slides to his knees when he sees Lukas’s form and Lukas is gasping, grasping for Philip blindly._

_“Blood in my eyes,” Lukas whispers, like he’s too afraid to yell._

_“Lukas,” Philip says, too loud, but everything is loud, raging, shrieking, everything but Lukas. Lukas is bleeding, fading, like a ghost slipping between worlds._

_“I can’t see,” Lukas gasps. “Philip, I—I can’t—there’s blood, there’s—blood—”_

_Lukas is dying. His skin flaking off until he’s just bone, sinew, blood, blood, blood—_

Philip shoots up with a gasp, and it takes him a brief moment to realize he’s in the car still.

“Baby,” Lukas says, reaching over and closing a hand around his wrist. “Bad dream?”

Philip sucks in a breath and covers Lukas’s hand with his own. “Yeah,” he says, simply. His mind has been merging the accident and the Ryan shit together since it happened, but he doesn’t like to burden Lukas with it, especially considering how much the whole thing is already bothering him.

“You okay?” Lukas asks softly, rubbing his thumb back and forth along Philip’s skin. 

“Yeah,” Philip says, giving him a weak smile. He pushes himself up and over the console, pressing a long kiss to Lukas’s temple, right on top of the scar. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Lukas says. “Gonna get off for food in a little bit. How’s barbecue sound?”

“Perfect,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s hand as he sits back down.

~

December 20th 

They stop off to see a giant ball of twine because Lukas absolutely insists on it, and when they get there it isn’t even that giant but Lukas is grinning so wide that Philip can excuse it. Philip uses his self-timer because there are no other idiots there and they take about a hundred photos in front of it, some of which Philip thinks might be good enough to get framed once he develops them. 

He gets a couple texts from Gary, one of Lukas’s top sponsors, asking how he is, and Philip debates whether or not to answer him. Finally he tells him that they’re on a road trip for their anniversary, and that Lukas is gonna get back into the swing of things soon. 

They go off route to explore in Chicago for a while—they don’t plan on spending the night there so they do as much as they possibly can before getting back on the road. They take another thousand pictures in front of the cloud gate until Philip is satisfied, they see Wrigley Field, and they walk along the Riverwalk holding hands until Lukas gets that real sentimental look on his face and Philip can feel his skin going hot. They get like that sometimes—they can just look at each other silently and Philip will know what’s going through Lukas’s head. It can be snowing ridiculously, like it is now, but he’ll still feel like he’s inside a furnace under Lukas’s gaze. 

The driving in the snow has been fine so far, and Philip is eager to give Lukas a rest when they finally get back on the road that night. There aren’t very many cars around them, and Philip figures if people are coming home for Christmas that they’ve made it there already.

“No way,” Lukas says, from the passenger seat. “No way, you’re crazy.”

“What?” Philip asks, looking briefly at the radio, currently blasting Bon Jovi’s Blaze of Glory. “You don’t like it?”

“I _like_ it,” Lukas says, scoffing. “But I don’t think it’s their best by like, any means.”

“What the hell would you say is their best?” Philip asks. “This one actually tells a story.”

“And Wanted Dead or Alive doesn’t?” Lukas asks.

Philip sees they’re approaching an eighteen wheeler that seems to be taking its sweet time. “I take it that’s your favorite?”

“Of course it’s my favorite,” Lukas says, digging into the bag of cheese puffs they bought in Chicago. “It’s their best song.”

“This is their best song,” Philip says, nodding at the radio. 

“I can’t believe I’m married to you,” Lukas says, grinning.

“I knew Bon Jovi would be the one to break us up,” Philip says, narrowing his eyes. “This truck…”

Lukas sits up a little bit. “You can pass him, baby.”

“Okay,” Philip says. He moves into the left lane to pass, watching as they go by. He hates dealing with these big ass trucks to begin with, so as soon as he sees the truck speed up he sighs, his heart beating a little faster. “What the hell?”

“What a prick,” Lukas says. “He’s trying to keep you from getting in front.”

“I don’t care,” Philip says, still keeping pace. “I just don’t want—” The truck moves way too close to his lane. “Lukas.”

“It’s fine, just slow down and let him go,” Lukas says.

“Okay,” Philip says. He slows down but the fucking truck does too a moment later, the front of their vehicles alongside each other. Philip’s heart beats wildly in his chest now and he doesn’t care whether he speeds up or slows down. He just wants to get the fuck away from this guy.

“Jesus,” Lukas says. He reaches over and touches Philip’s shoulder. “Okay, it’s fine.”

Philip swallows hard. “What should I do?”

“Okay,” Lukas says. “Try and pass him again. If he doesn’t let you we’ll just drift back until he can’t do it with us.”

“Okay,” Philip says.

“It’s okay, baby,” Lukas says, rubbing his arm.

Philip bites his lower lip and remembers why he fucking hates driving. He speeds up and lets out a breath when he sees the truck stay stagnant, even falling back a little bit. Maybe the dude is just an idiot and doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. Philip gets in front of him and feels accomplished.

For about five seconds.

He looks in the rearview and sees the truck driving up so fucking close that he’s essentially riding their bumper. “Fuck,” Philip breathes. “Lukas, what the fuck is this prick doing?”

Lukas turns around in his seat and huffs out a curse, twisting back and rubbing the back of his neck. He doesn’t say anything for a second and Philip feels his heart in his throat. “Okay, just—”

“What should I do?” Philip asks, looking in the rearview again. The truck is right fucking there. Right goddamn on top of them.

“Okay I think he’s gonna pass again,” Lukas says. “Just fucking let him, then we’ll stay back.”

Philip nods. He watches the truck get into the other lane and when he gets back in front of them he nearly cuts them off, the back of his vehicle almost swiping the front of theirs. 

“Oh my god.”

“Fucking asshole—”

The truck slows down a little bit too and Philip hits his breaks, jerking them both forward.

“Philip—”

“Sorry, sorry—”

“It’s okay,” Lukas says, still rubbing his neck. “It’s okay, we’re okay.”

“I just want him to fuck off,” Philip says. “I’m gonna get in the other lane.”

“Okay,” Lukas says.

Philip does, looking in the rearview, and there’s still no one else around them. 

The truck moves too.

“Mother fucker!” Lukas exclaims. 

Philip feels like this is never gonna goddamn end.

Lukas takes out his phone and leans forward, taking pictures of the license plate and the phone number on the back of the trailer. 

“Where’s our exit?” Philip asks. 

“Three miles,” Lukas says. “I’m gonna call these fuckers and tell them about Mr. Asshole here—”

Philip starts slowing down, putting distance between them, and he doesn’t want to fucking cry over a truck being mean to him on the highway but it keeps reminding him of the other bullshit he’s been focusing on lately. He wishes they could teleport. It’d be a lot safer.

“Can you put your hand back on my shoulder?” Philip asks, chewing on his lower lip.

“Yes,” Lukas says, dropping his phone into his lap and replacing his hand on Philip’s shoulder. He rubs it back and forth, massaging a little bit with his fingers. “We’re almost there. We’re almost to the exit and then he’ll be fucking gone and then I’m gonna get him fired.”

Philip sighs, still slowing til he’s just under the speed limit. 

~

The truck switches lanes with them twice more before Philip gets off the highway, heading towards their hotel close to the Illinois border. He’s really shaken up and he doesn’t want to be; he doesn’t want to stress Lukas out, doesn’t want to remind him of anything or set him back at all. He knows he can talk about it if he needs to but he keeps silent anyway, mostly because he feels like shit and he doesn’t want to vomit if he opens his mouth to speak.

Once they push their way inside the hotel room Lukas puts their bags down and turns, wrapping Philip up in his arms. 

“You’re okay, baby,” Lukas whispers, kissing his cheek. “You did so good. You did so fucking good, I never would have been able to do that good.”

Philip laughs a little bit into the crook of Lukas’s neck, closing his eyes. “Yeah right.”

“You’re trembling,” Lukas says, echoing Philip’s own sentiments from the day of the accident. He rubs Philip’s back and holds him tighter. 

“Ugh,” Philip groans, trying to breathe Lukas in. 

“I’ve got you,” Lukas says, kissing his forehead. 

“Thank God,” Philip sighs.

“You dealt with that shithead like a pro,” Lukas says. He leans back and cups Philip’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs along his cheekbones. “Look at you.”

“Look at you,” Philip says back, staring up into his eyes, feeling calm for the first time in a while. 

“So beautiful,” Lukas says, bringing their mouths together.

Lukas touches him softly, tenderly, kissing him slow and sure, how Philip likes to be kissed. It doesn’t take long before they’re backing up towards the bed, taking off the clothes they’ve been wearing all day, and Philip doesn’t think he’s ever been so relieved to be naked and in Lukas’s arms. He always finds comfort there.

Lukas makes love to him; he rocks up into Philip and kisses his face, kisses him all over, running his hands up and down his body like still, after all these years, he can’t get enough of touching him. Philip sweats, moans, writhes under Lukas’s attention. No one could make him feel like this. No one but Lukas.

“You did so good, baby,” Lukas whispers, their noses bumping. “So good, you’re so good, I’m so proud of you.”

Philip gasps into Lukas’s mouth and presses their foreheads together, everything spinning. He’ll never get over the way Lukas takes him apart. He grasps at Lukas’s lower back and drags him closer so their chests are plastered together, and Lukas moans.

“I love you,” Philip breathes, clinging to him. “I love you, I love you.”

Lukas nuzzles at his temple, breathing hot against his skin as he keeps thrusting up into him, slow and sure. “I love you.”

~

December 21st

Philip wakes up to something that smells like heaven. He opens his eyes and sees that the coffee table from the living room of their suite has literally been shoved over so it’s right next to his side of the bed, and when he looks over his shoulder he sees Lukas laying there in just his boxers, smiling coyly at him. 

“Dammit,” Philip laughs, covering his face with his arm and smiling. “You took advantage.”

“I would never ever take advantage of you,” Lukas says, raising his eyebrows. “I took an _opportunity_. There’s a difference.” Philip laughs again and Lukas leans over, wrapping an arm around his middle and slotting their bodies together. “Happy anniversary.”

“You too,” Philip says, leaning against Lukas and just gazing at the food for a moment or two. “So does this officially mean I’m the heavier sleeper?”

“Yep,” Lukas says, kissing the shell of his ear. “I had a whole conversation with the dude and you were in here just snoring away.”

“I’ll get the room service tomorrow and you better let me,” Philip says. 

“Fine,” Lukas says. “But you know I like treating you.”

“I like treating you too!” Philip says, laughing. 

~

It’s sort of hard to think of being romantic in Iowa, but they still manage it. They eat lunch at this little historical hotel that Lukas swears is haunted, they go to a vineyard and do wine tasting, which always makes Philip laugh, because Lukas tries to act like he knows what he’s doing when really he has no goddamn idea. They pretty much can only differentiate between red wines and white wines, and Philip doesn’t go long without laughing when he sees Lukas struggling to talk about buttery texture and nutty aftertaste. 

Philip always flashes back to high school. To how Lukas was before he accepted himself, to how he was when they had the weight of murder and fear bearing down on them. He never thought he’d get kisses in public, let alone a ring on his left hand and road trip anniversaries. It was an incredible journey, seeing Lukas come into his own, slowly become the person Philip always knew he was, from small, tentative steps to bold ones. Sometimes Philip thinks about what would have happened had he stepped the wrong way, had he cut a blade of grass or held Lukas’s hand when he didn’t want him to. He worries about his past life like he could lose it, like ghosts can slip in and steal it away. But Lukas always notices, can read him like a book, and he squelches any dark thoughts with a kiss, a touch, a look. They have home in each other, and Philip never wants to be anywhere else but with his home.

They’re walking down the street from the art museum when a bunch of motorcycles start revving their engines, roaring around the corner like they’ve got something to prove. Lukas seems like he’s in a trace watching them, and there isn’t a trace of a smile on his lips. He tightens his grip on Philip’s hand like he does when something is bothering him, scaring him, and Philip squeezes it tighter.

“Okay?” Philip says, a little loud over the rev of the engines. He reaches up and adjusts the collar of Lukas’s jacket, anxious to keep him warm.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, but the cadence of his voice says otherwise.

~

He seems a little off for the rest of the day, and Philip isn’t sure anybody else they interact with notices it. But Lukas’s mouth is pinched when he thinks Philip isn’t looking, a faraway look in his eyes like he’s going somewhere in his head. Philip doesn’t like it.

They stay in another little bed and breakfast in Des Moines. Once they get inside Lukas lets out a sigh that makes his whole body sag, his breath coming out trembling and the hair on his arms standing on end. He leans against the door and bows his head, shifting his mouth to the side, and Philip studies him for a moment, letting the handle of his rolling bag go and dropping his duffel beside the coffee table. 

“Philip, I’m so…fucking stupid,” Lukas says, before Philip can speak. 

Philip walks over to him, smoothing his hands over his shoulders. “No you’re not,” he says, shaking his head. 

“Yeah, I—I—” he stutters and swallows hard, and Philip cups his cheek. The cold from outside clings to him.

“Talk to me,” Philip says, soft as he can, watching Lukas turn in to his hand.

Lukas sighs again, kissing Philip’s palm before pushing off the door and walking over to sit on the bed. Philip goes to sit next to him, their knees bumping. “The accident,” Lukas says. “I can’t fucking shake it.”

Philip’s heart rattles a little bit and he nods. “I get it.”

“It wasn’t even that bad, I’ve dealt with worse, much fucking worse on the bike and off of it. I feel like I was more scared then than I was when I got fucking shot.”

Philip chews on his lower lip.

“I was just—freaking the fuck out and now—and now I’m afraid to go back not only because this shit got in my head, but—everyone saw me acting like that. Screaming, having a fit, clinging to you like a little twelve year old.” He wipes at his eyes, focusing on a spot on the far wall. 

“Lukas—” Philip starts.

“I’m embarrassed,” Lukas says, meeting Philip’s eyes. “I’m like, horrified at the idea of any of them seeing me again after I acted like that. In front of thousands of people.”

“Lukas,” Philip says, more firmly this time. “I’d act the same exact way if I thought I was gonna lose my eye.”

Philip remembers. Lukas’s helmet hit the ground so hard that the shield broke and cut into his skin, creating the jagged scar. There was so much blood, dripping down into Lukas’s eye that the only thing he could imagine was that something had happened to it. His whole face hurt, everything hurt, and he wasn’t thinking straight. The blood had blinded him.

_Philip my eye. Philip I can’t see, I can’t see. My eye, Philip._

Lukas chews on his lower lip and shakes his head. “I acted fucking hysterical and everyone saw it and I just—hate it. Hate that they saw me like that. They’ve had shitty accidents before and no one cried like a little baby like me.”

“Lukas, yes they have,” Philip says. “You just don’t see it. Dwayne got thrown off his fucking bike when we were in Philly and he was in the clinic shaking and crying to his mom on the phone.”

Lukas looks at him, narrowing his eyes.

“When Ben skidded back in the first year with Anderson?” Philip says. “His wife literally picked him up and had to hug him in the locker room until it stopped stinging. She put the ointment on it herself.”

Lukas stares like he doesn’t believe it. 

“You’re always busy, you’re either finishing the race or in the conferences or giving interviews, but trust me, how you reacted to thinking you were going to lose your eye is literally nothing compared to what I’ve seen since I started managing you.”

Lukas looks down at their feet and Philip reaches out, squeezing his knee. “If something hurts, it hurts. If something scares you, it scares you. There’s no shame in what happened at all and I don’t want you feeling that way. Do you think I should be embarrassed about how shaken I was after that shit with the truck?”

“No,” Lukas says, fast, shaking his head. “No, that was insane, you had no idea what was gonna happen.”

“Same thing for you in this situation,” Philip says. “If you want to take time to recover and relax, fine, that’s absolutely fine with me. But don’t—don’t stop doing what you love most because you’re embarrassed. People don’t care, Lukas, they’ve all been calling me and texting me asking how you are.”

“Yeah?” Lukas asks, another tear falling onto his cheek. 

Philip wipes it away. “Yes, babe. They all love you.”

Lukas nods. Both of them lean in at the same time, pressing their foreheads together. “I kept…I kept thinking about how I wouldn’t be able to see you right anymore. That if I kept sleeping on my side of the bed that I wouldn’t be able to see you when you were right next to me.”

Philip’s heart aches. “Lukas,” he whispers, cupping his cheek. He moves in and presses their mouths together because words fail him, it all fails him because the gravity of his love for Lukas overwhelms him sometimes. Their mouths slide together and Lukas makes the smallest noise, pressing closer to him. 

“I’m sorry I’m dragging our anniversary down,” Lukas says. “I can strip for you again if you want, get the mood back.”

Philip snorts. “I mean, I wouldn’t say no,” he says, putting on a leer that makes Lukas laugh. “But for real, I don’t care what day it is. You can always talk to me. I just don’t want you to worry about being embarrassed or whatever. You don’t have to be.”

“I won’t if you say so,” Lukas says, his eyes wet and wide and bright. There’s so much honesty on his face, and Philip flashes back to high school again, when he wished and he prayed to knock down Lukas’s walls and see everything he wasn’t saying.

Philip gets that every day now. “I say so,” he says, kissing him again.

~

December 25th 

Denver is like a winter wonderland, though the cold sometimes feels like its burrowing into their bones and trying to bury them. Lukas puts four jackets on Philip and insists on scarves, and Philip doesn’t mind all the over attentiveness because it’s so warm and safe in Lukas’s arms. 

There isn’t much open on Christmas, but there’s a street fair a little ways away from their hotel. Lukas tries everything once, well aware that Philip has pepto bismol in the car for any mistakes and missteps. 

Philip watches him eat what looks like some kind of nacho dish from a couple feet away, putting his thumb up when he sees Philip’s eyes on him. Philip clicks his tongue, laughing into the phone he has pressed against his ear. 

“Lukas eating everything in sight again?” Helen asks.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten his fill of street fairs like this living in New York,” Philip says. “But I guess food is both of our vices.”

“Yeah, really,” Helen says. 

“So how is Gabe?” Philip asks. “He sounds alright, but I know how he can like, veil things with me.”

“He’s fine,” Helen says. “One day at a time, you know. But it’s fine. Better, for sure, than it was in the beginning.”

“Good,” Philip says, his chest going a little tight.

“Go on and tend to your husband,” Helen says. “We’ve got Bo and Sarah out here anyway. I just skyped with Angela and the dogs—”

Philip snorts. “You did?”

“I don’t know why Samson understands it and Izzy doesn’t,” Helen says. “She just waltzes around confused and he knows exactly where I am.”

“She’s not the brightest bulb but she’s cute so she gets a pass,” Philip says. 

“Yes,” Helen says. “Merry Christmas, kid. We miss you.”

“We miss you guys too,” Philip says. “Next year we’ll be there for two weeks to make up for this.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Helen says.

~

They make reservations for dinner at this one Chinese place that’s open for Christmas, relaxing in the bed while they wait. Philip is a little tired. For some reason he feels like they need to keep driving instead of staying put here for four days. Like they aren’t gonna return the car at the airport, like they’re supposed to just keep it and drive until they hit California and can’t go any longer. 

He wants to go everywhere with Lukas.

Philip nuzzles further into Lukas’s embrace and feels his arm tighten around his shoulder. Lukas is scrolling through Instagram and he stops at a picture Philip took off the sky earlier—the sun shining through branches of a tree, little flakes of snow hanging and shining in the light. Philip was pretty proud of it, and it has over a hundred likes already.

Lukas clicks on Philip’s profile, watches his story, which he’s already watched. Philip sees the little smile forming on his face, and he scrolls down Philip’s page, clicking on a selfie Philip posted two days ago when he was waiting for Lukas to get gas. 

“Look at this guy,” Lukas says. 

“This guy,” Philip snorts. 

Lukas’s smile widens and he flips back to the main profile, scrolls further down and opens up another selfie from this trip. Philip in that room full of mirrors back in Nebraska. Philip can see the flash of Lukas’s blond hair in the background.

“He’s beautiful,” Lukas says. “Jesus, I mean, look at him.”

Philip blushes a little bit and picks at the loose string on Lukas’s sweater. “He’s okay.”

“No, no,” Lukas says. “This is the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”

“Lukas,” Philip laughs, turning his face into Lukas’s shoulder. 

“God, I think I’m falling for him,” Lukas says, opening up another picture, and this is one Lukas took of Philip himself, sitting on a bench in a park in Iowa. He knows Lukas likes it, was proud of how well it came out, and it’s clear his feelings haven’t changed. He gazes at it, love in his eyes, and Philip’s stomach does a flip.

“Yeah?” Philip asks. 

“I wonder if he has a—has a spouse—”

They both snort at the same time and Lukas breaks into a full blown grin, squirming a little bit when Philip pokes him in the stomach.

“A _spouse_ , Lukas?” Philip asks, laughing. “A spouse?”

“Philip, he could be straight! He could have a wife _or_ a husband, I don’t know!” Lukas says, laughing and tossing his phone aside, letting it land beside him on the bed. “I bet everyone is swarming all around trying to get at him.”

They both turn onto their sides at the same time and Lukas tangles their legs together, cupping Philip’s cheek. 

“I don’t know about that,” Philip says, holding up his left hand. “But he’s married, sorry.”

“Oh,” Lukas says, a serene kind of smile on his face. “Is he happy?”

“He’s over the fucking moon,” Philip whispers. 

“Good,” Lukas says, that look in his eye. “He’s too amazing to be anything but happy.”

Philip’s heart is about to burst. “Come here,” he whispers, even though they’re already so close. Lukas closes the space between them and brings their mouths together. Soft at first, then firm, his hands sliding around to palm at Philip’s ass. They just kiss for a while, hands roaming over each other’s bodies, the heat blooming in the core of Philip’s chest. He grabs Lukas’s wrist and places his hand over his fluttering pulse, pressing his fingers warm to the material of his shirt. Lukas makes a little satisfied noise, running his other hand through Philip’s hair.

“Do we have enough time before we have to go?” Philip breathes, against Lukas’s mouth. 

“Uh, yeah,” Lukas says, his hand sliding up Philip’s chest, two fingers pressing to the pulse in his neck. 

Philip reaches down and tugs at Lukas’s shirt, watching as he holds his arms above his head and lets Philip pull it off. Philip rubs his hands up and down Lukas’s chest, feeling his own hammering heartbeat, and Lukas steals a quick kiss before taking Philip’s shirt off too.

Philip always feels drunk on him, like putty in his hands, and he hones in on the belonging between them, the way this is theirs, a routine that is unique to them and what they have. The cold press of Lukas’s wedding ring running along the ridges of Philip’s ribs, Philip’s own name tattooed on Lukas’s wrist. They’re fucking married. Philip can’t believe it, and at the same time it’s the only thing that’s real to him.

They kick their pants off, laughing as they try to keep kissing, and when they’re down to their boxers they always get crazed, rubbing against each other like they won’t make it much longer if there’s any space between them.

Philip remembers Christmas their freshman year of college. Lukas’s outburst to his dad, how much it turned Philip on to hear the depth of Lukas’s love. He remembers the things they said that night the first time they went bare, how much Lukas was talking about their wedding, and the things he said afterwards, when Philip felt like the whole world was perfect and nothing could ever hurt him again. They hadn’t made it to Colorado for their honeymoon like Lukas had talked about before, but they’re here now. It’s beautiful, calm. Exactly what they’d wanted.

Lukas takes Philip’s boxers off, smoothing his hands over Philip’s hips, and he manages to get his own off after a few less than graceful moves, laughing against Philip’s lips. Philip turns so he has his back to Lukas and Lukas adapts immediately, kissing his shoulder before grabbing the lube off the bedside table. They could do this in their sleep at this point, Lukas so sure of every hitch in Philip’s breath when he slips his fingers into him. 

“Need you,” Philip gasps, arching his neck back once Lukas has worked up to three fingers, pumping in and out of him. “Please, babe.”

Lukas responds by kissing his neck, pulling his hand back and getting ready. He holds him by the hip as he lines himself up, pushing inside him. Philip takes a moment to adjust and leans back into Lukas, feeling him run his hand up and down his leg, over his hip and his waist. Philip loves when they do it like this, when Lukas takes him from behind. He feels exposed and consumed all at the same time.

“Beautiful,” Lukas says, the cold band of his wedding ring drawing a line of goosebumps up on Philip’s skin.

Philip smiles as Lukas inches his right arm around, wrapping it around Philip’s chest. They rock against each other and Philip gasps, sucks in air, clutches at Lukas’s arm. Lukas kisses the back of Philip’s neck and moans into his skin.

“Lukas,” Philip breathes. “Jesus, you feel so good.”

“You feel me?” Lukas asks, moving forward, into him over and over, slow and purposeful.

Philip smiles, groaning. “God, yes, always.”

Lukas nuzzles his face into Philip’s hair, breathing him in, his pace never wavering. “You smell so good.”

“Hotel—ah—shampoo,” Philip stutters, a wave of pleasure rippling through his body. He parts his legs a little more and Lukas sinks in deeper, dragging along Philip’s prostate. “Jesus fuck, Lukas.”

“God, baby,” Lukas says, nipping at Philip’s jaw. “God, fuck—I can’t believe you—you let me marry you.”

Philip laughs again. He loves when they laugh during sex. For a while, in the very beginning, he worried he might need to be consistently sexy in the bedroom to keep Lukas’s attention. He’d never forget how Lukas laughed and smiled back in the motel room, and after a short while all facades dropped. Lukas liked him, loved him, for who he was, not any fake put-on. He always found him sexy, whether he was in pajamas or wearing nothing at all. They retreated into a place that no one else could ever find, a place that was made just for them. They knew everything about each other, what they wanted, and how to make the other feel good. It just became part of who they are. They moved like clockwork. 

“Fucking love you,” Philip moans. He feels Lukas let out a rush of breath and he tips Philip’s face up so he can kiss him, their tongues dragging together. Lukas makes lovely little noises as he tries to press closer, closer.

“Gorgeous,” Lukas breathes, their noses nudging together, and Philip is seeing stars because Lukas is all around him, drawing out every incredible feeling inside him. “Angel face, God, you’re so—”

Philip is trembling, gasping, reaching up and grabbing the back of Lukas’s neck. “Husband,” he says, grinning. 

“My husband,” Lukas says, with reverence, his eyes shining. “Fuck, I can’t fucking—what the fuck—” 

Philip laughs again, bursting with joy.

Lukas reaches down and touches Philip, running his hand up and down his length. It doesn’t take long before something pools and boils in Philip’s stomach, every movement of Lukas’s hand on his cock, even thrust of Lukas’s hips taking Philip apart. 

“God,” Philip gasps, their mouths so close together. “Lukas, Lukas.”

“Come on, babe,” Lukas says, his voice breaking. “For me.”

Lukas twists his wrist and squeezes a little bit, and Philip’s orgasm sneaks up on him, shuddering through his veins. He arches his neck back, his head on Lukas’s shoulder, and trembles through it. He feels Lukas come inside him a few seconds later, gasping and moaning into his ear. 

“I love you,” Philip says, his breath still coming fast as he closes his eyes. 

“I love you too,” Lukas says, voice ragged, and he presses a long kiss to Philip’s cheek, nuzzling his nose there.

~

They’re the only ones in the Chinese restaurant and it feels a lot like A Christmas Story, which Philip is sure Helen and Gabe are watching right about now. They’re both sitting on one side of a booth like one of those annoying couples but Philip doesn’t care. He adjusts the tightness of his watch and remembers the message on the back. _Not even time could take me away from you._

Lukas takes his asparagus and puts it on Philip’s plate, and Philip hands over the crunchy parts of his crab Rangoon. “Next year we should all go somewhere for Christmas,” Lukas says.

“Like where?” Philip asks. 

“I don’t know,” Lukas says. “Maybe rent one of those vacation house things, bring the dogs. All of us can go.” He shrugs, smiling down at Philip. “I just gotta win like, three more races and put the money aside and then we’ll be able to afford it.”

Philip’s heart rattles a little bit. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, of course,” Lukas says, softly. “And maybe if I do some longer ones after that we can finally look into getting a bigger place.”

“And another dog?” Philip asks, beaming.

Lukas clicks his tongue, his smile widening. “A third dog.”

“To match Angela!”

“Good Lord,” Lukas says, taking a bite of his Lo Mein. “But yeah,” he says, a moment later. “Definitely, you know…I’m gonna go back. Let’s say February. After Valentine’s Day. Been looking at the Savannah MX.”

“That one is good for you,” Philip says, trying to be tentative. “I like the track.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I’ll go back with that one. Build up to some traveling afterwards.”

Philip gazes at him for a couple seconds before he leans in, kissing Lukas on the cheek. “I’ll get it all set up when the time comes. I’ll do the dog portraits in the meantime,” he says, leaning back in his seat.

Lukas’s face lights up. “You have to do Izzy and Samson in poster size and we have to hang them up in our living room.”

Philip snorts. “Duh.”

“And for our anniversary next year we need to do something relaxing,” Lukas says, taking a sip of his water.

“Alcohol and pizza in a hotel room in Tivoli?” Philip asks, raising his eyebrows. “We can give each other massages with that rose oil shit you like.”

Lukas grins. “Sounds perfect,” he says. 

Philip lays his head on Lukas’s shoulder and peers out the window at the snow coming down. He has never felt safer, because as long as Lukas is with him, he can go anywhere in the world and still feel at home. 

They’ve got their whole lives.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Anniversary to this beautiful show and its fandom. Keep fighting for season two!


End file.
